How many Microsoft testers does it take to change

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don’t actually change the bulb.
Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that
Development is working on a bug fix.

How many Microsoft managers does it take to chang

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out,
and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work
smarter, not harder.

Free Joke of the Day - Don’t be on this flight

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome
you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently
flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you
will observe that both the […]

Free Joke of the Day - The whole world could be happy

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying
aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success
stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: “Why don’t I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make
someone very happy.”
Hillary: “Well, why don’t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the […]

Free Joke of the Day - Computer Sayings

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of […]

Free Joke of the Day - Where Am I!!!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it […]

Free Joke of the Day - The difference

If you can pick it up, it’s a PC.
If you can’t pick it up but you can push it over, it’s a minicomputer.
But when you can’t pick it up or knock it over, it’s a mainframe.

Free Joke of the Day - Sensible changes

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing
the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world.
I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like
there to be […]

Free Joke of the Day - Working on the road

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then […]

Free Joke of the Day - Do this while driving

Strange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing any of the below “things to do while driving”, as all driving should be taken seriously. The below “things to do while driving” are simply here for entertainment purposes.
Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast […]

Free Joke of the Day - Strange name for Cats

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named “LOVE.” It was pretty dark
outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the
street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very
honestly, “I’m looking […]

Free Joke of the Day - Top 10 Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about
cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought, “Why bother?”
4. I got you […]

Free Joke of the Day - You Should Try To Be More Polite

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The […]

Free Joke of the Day - Chicken

You’re so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!

Free Joke of the Day - You’re So Fat

You’re so fat, when you sleep over someone’s house, you sleep OVER someone’s
house!

Free Joke of the Day - Answering machine message 56

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I’m not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

Free Joke of the Day - Reasons to allow drinking at work

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down […]

Free Joke of the Day - What causes people to have arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the […]

Free Joke of the Day - The essential difference

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?”Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’skeeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Free Joke of the Day - AAandMonkeys

What do a cat, plant, and sea monkeys have in common?
All three have endured tragic deaths of neglect at my apathetic hands!

Free Joke of the Day - Stupid Birds

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.

Free Joke of the Day - Monkey Programmers

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, ”I’ll have that monkey please”. The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a […]

Free Joke of the Day - Three-legged Dog

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw!”

Free Joke of the Day - Blondes And Turtles

What do turtles and blondes have in common?
If they’re on their back, they’re screwed!

Free Joke of the Day - Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe

Free Joke of the Day - Elephant and Man

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“It’s nice, but can it pick up peanuts?”

Free Joke of the Day - Frog, warts and all

A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head.
The bar attendant asks. “what’s that on your head?
The frog says. “I don’t know, it started out as a wart on my bum!”

Free Joke of the Day - Impressive Hunting Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a […]

Free Joke of the Day - Ten Signs That You’re At A Bad Zoo

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for […]

Free Joke of the Day - Sneaking Home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and […]

Free Joke of the Day - Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?

They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional […]

Free Joke of the Day - Trucker Hits a Pig

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out […]

Free Joke of the Day - DEA Dog on a Plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that […]

Free Joke of the Day - The Australian Ventriloquist

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: […]

Free Joke of the Day - A really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Free Joke of the Day - Pink envelopes

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bills curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he’s doing.
Im sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, “Guess who? says the man.
Why on earth are you doing that? asks Bill.
Because I am a divorce lawyer. replies the man.

Free Joke of the Day - Football Pool

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
‘Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,’ suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
‘Now, you don’t have to worry about anything,’ said the doctor. ‘I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.’
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
‘Tell me,’ said the doctor, ‘what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?’
‘Why,’ replied the old lady, ‘I’d give half of it to you, of course.’
The doctor fell down dead with shock.

Free Joke of the Day - In prison cell

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.”
The new man asked, “What happened?”
“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

Free Joke of the Day - How Not To Rob a Bank

She thought I would be easy. After filling out an application for a new account, she handed it to the teller, then pulled out a gun and demanded money. Only problem is, she left the application behind with her name and address on it. She was arrested with out incident less than an hour later.

Free Joke of the Day - Candy Thieves

Four people robbed a candy store in downtown Cincinnati. The police had no trouble finding them. All they had to do was follow the trail of candy wrappers.

Free Joke of the Day - I'm Really Over 21

A man walked into the corner store with a gun, planning to rob it. He demanded all the money in the till. The cashier put the money into a bag, as the robber instructed him to. The robber then demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. But the cashier wouldn't give it to him because he said he didn't believe the robber was over 21. The robber pulled out his driver's license to prove it and the cashier gave him the Scotch.

After the robber left, the cashier called the police with the man's name and address. He was arrested soon after.

Free Joke of the Day - Memo to Self

A man in Texas left his car running outside while he robbed a drug store of Zanax and hydrocodine. He ran outside to his get away car only to discover that he had locked the keys inside in the ignition.

Free Joke of the Day - Nice People Swallow

It seems a certain crook had the bad habit of spitting tobacco juice. And he didn't exactly care where he spit.

A keen eyed detective noticed tobacco juice stains on some papers that had been ransacked at an insurance office where a burglary had occurred. Since none of the ladies in the office chewed tobacco, he reasoned the spit belonged to the thief and took a DNA sample.

Tobacco spit was also found at five other crime scenes in the area. The DNA in all of them matched.

The police had a suspect for the robberies and got a warrant to test his DNA. Voila! It matched. They are expecting a conviction.

Free Joke of the Day - Watch What You Do With the Goods

A postal worker has been charged with stealing gold which he was supposed to deliver. He made the mistake of pawning it at the same pawn shop which had melted it down to send to a business in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The jeweler at the pawn shop recognized it.

The postal worker has been charged with embezzling.

Free Joke of the Day - Evacuation Routes

If you live in a low lying area, you'll want to have an evacuation route planned out. Evacuation Routes are the parking lots created on the local roads designed by the city council to be used by most of the people in a community while they use the back roads to get out of the city to higher ground.

Free Joke of the Day - Don't Forget the Chickens

You'll want to be sure to get a few chickens. They come in handy, not for eating, but to feed the alligators that will appear after the storm.

Free Joke of the Day - Preparing for a Hurricane

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for a hurricane.

It is standard procedure in Florida to wait until the last possible moment before picking up supplies. Be sure to wait at least long enough so you'll see a free fight or two between people trying to buy a years supply of the wrong size batteries for their flashlights because the correct sized batteries were just purchased by that other customer. It's so much fun to watch impromptu sprawls that are more realistic than those wrestling people. And you don't have to pay good money to see them.

Free Joke of the Day - The Hurricane Season

Hurricane season runs from June through November. Anyone visiting Florida during these months can expect to turn on their TV and see warning news reports showing a white radar blob hundreds of miles away. The news reports will stress two points.

1. Don't Panic

2. This blob may be coming your way to kill you, or if you're lucky, just leave you homeless.

Free Joke of the Day - Balance

For six days God could not be found. Finally, on the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found Him.

"Where have You been?" Michael asked.

God smiled deeply and proudly and pointed down through the clouds. "Look," He said. "Look what I've made."

Michael looked down, but was puzzled. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's a planet. And I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance? What do you mean?" asked Michael.

Pointing to the different parts of the Earth, God explained. "Over there I've place a continent of black people and there I've placed a continent of white people. Europe will have wealth an opportunity, Africa will be poor. There it will be extremely cold and there it will be extremely hot. Everything is in Balance."

The Archangel was impressed. He pointed out a land area and said, "What is that?"

"That's Washington State," said God, "the most glorious place on earth. It has beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers and streams, hills, forests and plains. The people there will be handsome, intelligent, modest and humorous. They will be hardworking, high achieving, sociable and producers of software."

Michael was in awe and filled with admiration. He asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled. "Yes," He said, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put in that place!"

Office Culture

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

Deserted Island

For years, three men were stranded on a desert island.

One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish.

"I wish I was off this island and back with my familly," said the first man, and he disappeared.

"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man. He too disappeared.

The third man, looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie, "I really kind of like this island. I have everything I want, but it is getting a little lonely, so I wish my two friends were back to keep me company."

Free Joke of the Day - Sushi

Great collection of free joke of the day.


A guy walks into a chinesse restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches, the guy asks for "a table for two". As they are waiting for a table to be prepared, his wife cant help to notice a fish tank full of beutiful tropical fish.

The wife turns to her husband and demands that she wants the same fish brought for her at home. The husband agrees and asks the waiter what the fish are called.

The waiter replies "sushi".

Free Jokes Pilot Passenger

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
Passenger: No, I have not.
Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.
Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?
Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.

Free Airplane Jokes

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Free joke of the day Good News and Bad News

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Free joke of the day My sister

My sister and her husband had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Billy crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Trying to calm him, my sister's husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Free joke of the day two lawyers

Did you hear the story about the two lawyers that were conducting business in a bank when an armed robbery began?

One of the robbers rushed to the teller windows, while another one guarded the doorway. The third robber stood in the middle of the bank, and proceeded to give out directions to the bank's customers.

"Everyone up against the wall... Okay, now empty your pockets. We want watches, wallets, and anything of value."

One of the lawyers jammed something into his partner's hand.

"What's this?" his partner whispers.

The other partner replies, "It's that $100 I owe you."

Free joke of the day the kitchen

I walked into the kitchen one day not too long ago to find my wife stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Hunting Flies" she replied.

"Oh... Killing any?" I asked, after pausing to watch her make several rounds around the kitchen table.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", she replied.

"How can you tell?" I asked, quite intrigued.

"3 were on the refrigerator and 2 were on the phone."

Free joke of the day last words

I've got a list of "last words" here for you today...

"Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix."

"What happens if you touch these two wires tog..."

"We won't need reservations."

"It's always sunny there this time of the year."

"They'd never make him a manager."

Free joke two pastors

Did you hear the story of the two pastors fishing in the stream near the side of the road?

They thoughtfully made a sign that read "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They also made sure every passing car saw the sign and had ample opportunity to read it.

However, one driver didn't appreciate their concern.

"Leave us be, you religious fanatics!" he shouted at them.

Just then a big splashing noise occurred, and the two pastors looked at each other. Finally one spoke...

"Do you think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Free joke of the day repair shop's lobby

While I was waiting in the auto repair shop's lobby for my car to be repaired recently, another customer came in looking a little frustrated.

"Listen," the customer announced to the owner of the shop.

"When I bought this premium battery six months ago you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It has already died after only six months!"

The shop owner looked quite mortified.

"I'm very sorry," he apologized. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

Free joke of the day nephew

When my nephew started off to kindergarten, he often brought home his drawings. Each time, my sister (his mother) admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. But one thing started bothering her. All the pictures were drawn with only black and brown crayons. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a Godly counselor.

The godly man delicately went to work, asking my nephew many questions and talking with him extensively. But everything seemed perfectly normal. The meetings continued for two weeks, yet my nephew continued to bring home art drawn with only black and brown crayons.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem the Godly counselor decided to give my nephew some paper and a box of crayons to be able to observe what happened.

My nephew promptly opened the box of crayons and exclaimed, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"

Free joke the doctor

Once, while waiting for my turn to see the doctor, a middle-aged man came shuffling in, bent over at the waist and relying heavily upon his wife's help and support to get into the doctor's waiting room. A nearby customer, also waiting, watched in sympathy before finally speaking.

"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife only shook her head. "No... Do-it-yourself with concrete blocks."

Free joke of the day A popular topic

A popular topic in the joke community is the relationship (or lack thereof) between marriage partners. The world is full of broken relationships, and it often contains ample advice on how to mend them.

Instead of offering you a large list of pointers, I'd rather help you discover the only person I know who can help.

His name is Jesus, and He created our ability to relate. He has also given us the ability to establish healthy, loving relationships, a fact for which I am very grateful!

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. A friend loves at all times... A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly. -John 15:26, Proverbs 17:17, Proverbs 18:24

The key to healthy relationships involves "laying down" your life, or personal desires, ambitions, etc., in order to see and place the needs of others above your self.

Not only did Jesus provide us with this advice, He also set the best example by purchasing our freedom from sin through His death on the cross-the same death we deserve because of our debt of sin.

If you need help healing your relationships, I recommend you ask Jesus. He's the only one who can give you the ability, desire, and strength to cast aside your self for others.

Free Joke My preacher

My preacher is one of those guys who enjoys using enthusiasm while delivering his sermon. As he preaches, he often moves briskly about the platform, which jerks the cord hooked up to his lapel microphone.

Once, as he was becoming more involved in his sermon, he moved and accidentally got wound up in the cord, nearly tripping himself before he managed to jerk free again.

After watching him make several of those circles and jerks, a little girl in the front pew (who was visiting) leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

My sister was recently working in the kitchen

My sister was recently working in the kitchen whenshe heard her 6-year old son call for her.

"Mummy, Mummy!" he called. "Do you know that beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"

"Yes", she said. "What about it?"

"Well, the last generation just dropped it."

my sister about the difficulties

A friend once complained to my sister about the difficulties contained in child rearing, especially the lack of peace and quite rest.

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," my sister suggested.

So my sister's friend bought a playpen. A few days later, my sister called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," she replied. "I get in the pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

Funny Irish Joke

There once were two Irishmen named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. [...]

Funny Irish Joke

World’s Thinnest Books Can You Tell A Book By Its Author?
Irish Flooring ………………….Lynn O’Leum

Funny Joke

Perley Moore Buys a Truck
There was a farmer, Perley Moore, who had recently bought a
truck and found that the “basic price” was only the
beginning. Once the salesman had added on all the extras –
towing package, toolbox, fifth-wheel attachment, etc. — the
price was quite a bit higher. Well, by a strange turn [...]

Funny Irish Joke of the Day

Q. What started the Irish Jig?
A. Too much to drink and not enough rest rooms.

Real Estate Jokes

Real Estate Jokes

This blog is called Funny Jokes and I post funny jokes, stupid jokes and silly jokes from time to time.
I was looking at source material from our long running Funny Jokes Mailing List and came across a few real estate related jokes and decided that perhaps they would be appreciated here … and [...]

Irish Joke of the Day

“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned his client.
“Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “Oi’m always first out of bed.”
Still hopeful, the [...]

Irish Joke

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” he [...]

Irish Joke of the Day

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that”

Irish Joke

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Joey-Jim asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d [...]

Irish Jokes

Irish Jokes
Irish Quotes
St. Patrick’s Day Quotes
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.
- Irish Saying
Shortest Irish joke ever: Two Irishmen walk out of a bar
Q: What’s Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Patty O’Furniture!
Why should you never iron [...]

Funny Joke

One day, a very famous mathematician and his wife were trying to
move a large table from their living room into their dining room.
But, try as they might, they couldn’t get it through the door.
They struggled and struggled and just couldn’t do it. Finally,
exhausted and frustrated, the mathematician sat down and did a
mathematical derivation to prove [...]

Funny Jokes

RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW YORK CITY
- When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
- [...]

Funny One Liner Jokes

One-Liners

There’s room for all God’s creatures. Right next to the
mashed potatoes.
There’s always at least one bolt on anything that’s adjustable.
and it fits whatever size wrench you don’t have.
Folks who claim to want respect, honesty and decency but don’t
sign their letters to the editor make me wonder who’s being
honest, decent and showing respect.
If vegetarians love animals [...]

Funny Military Joke

WORK OR PLAY At a command picnic, a bunch of officers were standing around talking. A Lieutenant said, “I think that making love is 80% fun and 20% work.” A Commander responded by saying, “No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% [...]

Funny Jokes – Geriatrics Halloween

Geriatrics Halloween
EIGHT SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING
8. You get winded from knocking on the door.
7. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
6. You ask for high fiber candy only.
5. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
4. People say, [...]

Funny Jokes

Warning labels
On a packet of three steel fishing hooks.
HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED
Warning on a carpenter’s drill
THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A DENTAL DRILL
Warning label on a fold up baby buggy.
REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING
On a dishwasher
DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN TO PLAY IN THE DISHWASHER
On a hand held massager
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING OR UNCONSCIOUS
On [...]

Funny Joke

My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two
hours, neither of us willing to give in. Finally, I looked at him
and said “I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbett only
got six months!”
He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied “Yeah?
Well O.J. got off scott [...]

Funny Attorney Joke

Two Attorneys
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then
they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to
eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and
told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then exchanged sandwiches.

Funny Medication Jokes

Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
- Armed, dangerous and off my medication!
- But these pills can’t be habit forming; I’ve been taking them
for years
- His doctor gave him a prescription for extra-strength placebos.
- In a Church bulletin: “Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and
Medication to [...]

Funny Joke

Dear Diary,
I can’t figure out which covers less, the
hospital gown or my insurance company.
- The Old Perfesser

Funny Jokes

More 6 yr old Proverbs!
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one [...]

Funny Joke

Why do blondes use transparent lunch boxes?
So they can tell whether they are going to work or going home!

Funny Police Joke

The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation.
Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver
frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. “I’ll have
your job for this!” he shouted at the top of his lungs.
“Sir, you wouldn’t want my job,” replied the unruffled officer as
he wrote out the citation. [...]

What an excellent enhancement to twitter replies

Posted today on the twitter blog, they have made it easier to find out all about who is mentioning you in their tweets. In the past, you had to go to Search.Twitter.com and search for your user name to see all those who had mentioned you. Now they list them all under [...]

Funny Kid Jokes

Proverbs? Kids say the darnedest things.
Funny Quotes
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first grade kids (6 year-olds), because the [...]

Funny Jokes

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, [...]

Funny Jokes

Hiccups Joke
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she [...]

Funny Lost Luggage Joke

This guy couldn’t find his luggage at the airport baggage area. So he
went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags
never showed up.
She smiled and told him not to worry as they were highly trained
professionals and he was in good hands. “Now,” she asked him, “has your
plane arrived yet?”

Funny Old Man Joke

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn’t stop him from
trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local bar,
approached a very young and pretty woman and said, “Where have you
been all my life?”
The young lady takes one glance at him and says, “For the [...]

Funny God Joke

THE CONTEST
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. [...]

Funny Attorney Joke

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Funny Attorney Jokes

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

Funny Nancy Pelosi Joke

Nancy Pelosi is a Saint
Joke is below the video.
More Nancy Pelosi humor – This Just In.

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s sermon, and he [...]

Funny Legal Joke

Tell the Truth
The Judge asked the defendant, “Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”
“I do.”
“Now what do you say to defend yourself?”
“Your Honor, under those limitations.
.. nothing.”

Easter Recipes Easter Quotes Easter Jokes

Easter Recipes Easter Quotes Easter Jokes

Easter Egg Coloring Contest
Egg Coloring
Easter Quotes
Easter Recipes
Easter Recipes
Easter Jokes

Funny Joke

Simple Question
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture. The [...]

Why Parents Drink

Funny Jokes – Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad…’
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with [...]

Funny Joke

Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks [...]

THE CHOSEN PEOPLE

THE CHOSEN PEOPLE
Well, when Moses was on earth back then he was given the Ten
Commandments, but he was not told actually what he should do with them.
He took them to England and confronted a man and asked, “Would You
Like A Commandment?”
The man replied, “What’s A Commandment?”
Moses took a tablet and read, “Thou Shalt Not Steal!”
The [...]

Easter Sites – Easter Sunday Most Popular Links

This Funny Jokes blog is very popular today – Easter Sunday 2009. It is a bit surprising because last year on Easter Sunday the traffic to most Easter related sites was way down from Saturday’s level. You can see from the graph below that is not the case today and the day [...]

Funny Joke

Eight Iron
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it [...]

Funny God Joke

Mistaken Identity
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery [...]

Funny Adam and Eve Joke

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, “Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?”
Funny Jokes
God replied, “Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create.”
So [...]

Funny Joke

Swallowed Money
Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
“Do you see any change in me?”

Funny Airline Joke

Airline Operating Systems
UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it [...]

Funny Promotion Joke

Promotion
Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, “Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven’t seen him for a while.”
The senior exec replied, “Haven’t you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky.”
“Good Lord,” replied the [...]

SURGICAL REPAIR

SURGICAL REPAIR
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.”
So Sam came back in four hours [...]

Funny Water in the Glass Joke

Water in the Glass
A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?
The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in [...]

Funny Baseball Joke

A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at the local park.
“Who’s playing?” he asked another observer.
“The Masons against the Knights of Columbus,” he responded.
“What’s the score?”
“I don’t know. It’s a secret.”

Funny Father Joke

Fathers
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls [...]

Funny Joke

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife
preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She [...]

Funny Quotes – The Art of Government

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

- Voltaire

Funny Quotes – Politics

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you.

- Pericles (430 B.C.)

Government Quotes – The Legislature

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

- Mark Twain

Government Quotes – Congress

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

Talk is cheap… except when Congress does it.

- Anonymous

Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

- Ronald Reagan

Government Quotes – Capitalism and Socialism

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

- Winston Churchill

Tax Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

- Mark Twain

Funny Quotes – Fools

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

- Herbert Spencer

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

There is no distinctly native American criminal class… save Congress.

- Mark Twain

Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

- Gerald Ford

Horrible Car Wreck

THE CAR WRECK

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents. When he took it for a spin, he misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr and Mrs Smith and Mr and Mrs Balls

…

…

… luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

Lion Tamer Needed

Funny Jokes
Joke of the Day
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?” The tough old golfer replies,
“No problem, just get that lion out of there

Johann Strauss – Joke of the Day

Joke of the Day

Johann Strauss was an avid mountain climber who once waltzed himself into deep trouble. He lost his footing and found himself hanging by his fingertips over a bottomless gorge.

Another climber heroically came to his rescue and just managed to grab Johann by a strap of his backpack to save the Maestro’s life. Since then, the act of trying to get out of a seemingly hopeless situation has come to be known as…
…grasping at Strauss.

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress.

- John Adams

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

- Mark Twain

Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

- Mark Twain

Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

- Winston Churchill

Funny Government Quotes

Funny Quotes – Government Quotes

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

- George Bernard Shaw

Irish Jokes

Joke of the Day
Irish Quotes
St. Patrick’s Day Quotes

Saint Patrick was a gentleman…Who through strategy and stealth…
Drove all the snakes from Ireland…Here’s a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees…Lest we lose ourselves and then…
Forget the good Saint Patrick…And see them snakes again!
- Unknown

==

Best Bar in The World

Three Irishman are drinking at a bar. he first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The second then starts: “That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”

Then the third pipes up. “You think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend, “but it happened to my sister!”

==

May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow,
and may trouble avoid you wherever you go.
–Irish Blessing

==

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again
–An Irish Blessing

First Woman President

Funny Jokes
First Woman President

The first woman President is elected. Not only is she a woman, she also happens to be Jewish. After the election results are in, she calls her mother. “Mama, I’ve won the election, you’ve got to come to my inauguration!”

“I don’t know, what would I wear?” says mama.

“Don’t worry, I’ll send you to a dressmaker.”

“But I only eat kosher food.”

“Mama, I’m going to be the president, I can get you kosher food.”

“But how will I get there?”

“I’ll send a limo, just come, Mama.”

“Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.”

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.

“You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?” she says proudly. “Her brother’s a doctor.”

Happy New Year – Is Everybody Happy

Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!???
I want you to be the first to send you this Happy New Year greeting
As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:
Blacks are happy: Obama was elected.
Whites are happy: O.J. Simpson is in jail.
Democrats are happy: George Bush is leaving office.
Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.
And all of us are happy: The election is finally over!
2009 should be even better:

Immediately after his inauguration, Barack Hussein Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama bin Laden, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace. Then on the 7th day, He will go back to Hawaii and rest!

Answering Machine Messages

Answering Machine Messages

Hi, this is Stephanie’s answering machine.

If you’re the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she’ll send it sooner or later. If you’re a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.

If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won’t help you, but we’ll always have something to laugh about when we’re bored.)

Funny Jokes – Customers

A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
“Gosh, that’s nice to hear,” said Smith, “but I’m kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late.”
The paperboy said, “I know, but I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!”

Near Death Experience

THE MONITOR confirmed cardiac arrest as an elderly man suddenly lost consciousness. After about 20 seconds of resuscitation, he came to.

Explaining to him that his heart had momentarily stopped, I asked if he remembered anything unusual during that time.

“I saw a bright light,” he said, “and in front of me a man dressed in white.”

Zeroing in on this near-death impression, I inquired if he could describe the figure.

“Sure, doctor,” he replied. “It was you.”

A brilliant dog

A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work.
The dog is a brilliant piano player. He plays all the
standards. He’s sitting there, pounding out the tunes,
when all of a sudden, a big dog comes in and drags him
out. The nightclub owner asks, “What happened?”

The manager says,
“That’s his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”

Christmas Jokes – YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF

YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF:

Christmas Jokes
- Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
- You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
- You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
- Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
- Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.
- Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.
- You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
- You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
- Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
- Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
- Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
- You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.
- Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
- You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
- Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.
- Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir.
- Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

Navajo female wisdom

Navajo female wisdom

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern
Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides
to stop the car and give the Navajo woman a lift.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances
surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat
between them.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offered the
saleswoman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my
husband”

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several
times and says, ” Good trade.”

TO THE BANK MANAGER

To My Bank

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is returned marked “insufficient funds,” how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?

Sincerely,

Famous Jokes – Joke of the Day

Famous Jokes

A Dinner Blessing…..

Ed, was a strictly a ‘meat-and-potatoes’ man. Over the years, he’s learned to like more foods, but there are still two vegetables he won’t eat. His family likes to tease him about it.

One year at a holiday gathering, Ed got the last laugh when he gave this cute tongue-in-cheek blessing: Now we sit to eat what’s here; we pray no green stuff will appear. No Brussels sprouts or any such
and asparagus, Lord, would be too much. But give us meat that’s white or red and potatoes, corn and lots of bread. Some good brown gravy wouldn’t hurt and to top it off, some pie for dessert.

Banking Crisis

Banking Crisis – Name of your Bank
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something “practical” for her birthday.

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?” Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

“It’s your account, darling,” Mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.”

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for “Name of your former bank.”
After a slight hesitation, she put down “Piggy.”
In light of what’s going on in the banking world, perhaps Piggy Bank was the safest!

Words That Don’t Exist … But Should

Words That Don’t Exist

…But Should



Ramdumbtious – Cross between being rowdy and not too bright.

Randumb – A foot chase gone bad.

Rawsome – The awesome health benefits of eating raw foods.

Rawtarian – A person that eats only raw foods.

Realicious – Really delicious.

Recomember – Recall, retain in the mind.

Refunable – Something you enjoyed so much you’d do it again.

Re-mail – An e-mail that has probably already made the rounds

once, but you think it is worth a second look.

Rememberize – Remembering and memorizing.

Repettyettyettyettyettyettitive – When you repeat something so

much that you can’t stop.

Richpublican – A Republican candidate for office.

Roomatism – Desk clerk malady.

Rowdeo – A canoe paddling competition.

Rundezvous – Running late for a meeting.

Thanksgiving Joke – How Long to Cook a Turkey

Thanksgiving Jokes

Would you please help me I bought a 10 pound turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?

“Just a minute,” the food editor said, as he turned to check his reference book.

“Oh, thank you,” she said. “You’ve been a big help. Good-bye!”

Thanksgiving Joke – Pilgrims

Q. Why did pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
A. Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.

Thanksgiving Joke – Talking Turkey

TALKING TURKEY
What does …
A jewelry-lovin’ turkey say? “Bauble, bauble, bauble”
A dyslexic turkey say? “Boggle, Boggle, Boggle”
A turkey in the shoe repair shop say? “Cobble, cobble, cobble”
A turkey who was an old-time movie fan say? “Gable, Gable, Gable!”
A turkey with a sore throat say? “Gargle, Gargle, Gargle”
A turkey with a sore leg say? “Hobble, hobble, hobble.”
A football turkey say? “Huddle, huddle, huddle”
A dieting turkey? “Nibble, nibble, nibble.”
A one-legged Cockney turkey? “‘Obble, ‘Obble, ‘Obble”
A turkey who argues a lot? “Squabble, squabble, squabble.”
What does Dr. Seuss’ turkey say? “Tweedle, beetle, paddle, battle, puddle, wobble, hobble, gobble.”
Then there was the dizzy Turkey who just went… “Wobble, Wobble, Wobble!”

Thanksgiving Joke – Grateful Marriage

GRATEFUL MARRIAGE
An elderly couple, Minnie and Max, sit down to their Thanksgiving dinner. Before eating, his wife speaks up. “Can I ask you a question, Max?”

“Sure Minnie,” Max says, waiting to dig into his meal.

“Has our 50 years of marriage made you grateful?”

“Yes, indeed!” Max replied. “For the twenty years I was a bachelor!”

Funny Jokes – Helicopter Landing

Helicopter Landing

While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.

Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. “Don’t jump!” the pilot yelled. “This thing is supposed to float!”

As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, “Yeah, and it’s supposed to FLY too!”

Cooking Terms

Cooking Terms …

Recipes: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
food.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the
food is removed, but when it is put in the oven.

ECONOMICS OF THE FREE MARKET

ECONOMICS OF THE FREE MARKET

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it’s a free market.

A toy company can out-source to a Chinese sub-contractor and claim it’s a free market.

A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it’s a free market.

BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to want to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.

How Un-American!

For Those Who Enjoy Language

For Those Who Enjoy Language

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris…are in-seine.

2. A backward poet writes…inverse.

3. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

4. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

5. Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

7. A man needs a mistress…just to break the monogamy.

8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

13. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

14. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

15. The definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

20. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

25. Local Area Network in Australia: … the LAN down under.

26. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

27. Every calendar’s days are numbered.

28. A lot of money is tainted – It taint yours and it taint mine.

29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

32. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

34. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

36. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Bad Eyesight

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

A Woman’s Four Favorite Animals

Favorite Animals
What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize

Downsizing – Funny Jokes

Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize

10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”.
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very
friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the
local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local “Army & Navy Surplus
Store” are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked
with all existing departments in the Company.

Remember folks, “We’re not Downsizing, we’re Rightsizing!!”

Dear Fellow Business Owner

Dear Fellow Business Owner

Dear Fellow Business Owners:

As a business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama will be our next president, and that my taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Customer will have to see an increase in my fees to them of about 8-10%. I will also have to lay off six of my employees. This really bothered me as I believe we are family here and didn’t know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what I did.

I strolled thru the parking lot and found eight Obama bumper stickers on my employees cars. I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.

I can’t think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. I am sending this letter to all business owners that I know.

Sincerely,

Business Owner

Funny Jokes

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale’s.

Funny Jokes

Bereavement

A bereaved widow is at her husband’s funeral. “We were married thirty- five years before he died.” She said, dabbing away the tears. “Never had an argument in all those years.”

“Amazing,” said a woman next to her. “How did you do it?”

“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”

You might be from New Jersey if

-You ax people questions …
-You never listen to what the other person is saying…
-And if by chance you did happen to listen …… you don’t care …
-If you disagree with my agreeing with you …
-You say “youz guys” …
-Instead of saying “what’s up with that” you say “what’s up wittit” …
-You know everything about everything and anything

Johnny wanted to be an accountant,

so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how
many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits
have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Johnny: SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit
at home now!

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying
here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you
have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no!
On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing
since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock!***

What I Want In A Man!

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

Grandmother

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
“I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

Why parents drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed
the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your
Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’ s busy,” whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a
helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are
they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle………

“ME.”

Cool Husband

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH &
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE CARRIES HER AROUND THE HOUSE.
THE WIFE IS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKS, “DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC?”
THE HUSBAND REPLIES, “NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS.”

Christians and light bulbs

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1
Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the
change and
decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
about how
much better he old one was.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: ?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the
need for a
light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that
light bulbs
work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern
dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we
will
explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent,
3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are
loved. You can be
a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting
service is
planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting
policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish:
What’s a light bulb?

E-Mail Forwards

If nothing else, EVERYONE please read the first one. As we move rapidly into a new year, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards”
over the last 12 months. Thank you for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

~~*Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open
15 times to get to the message (due to going
past numerous Email addresses of people
I don’t know!!!)

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes ’cause
I now have to go get a wet towel every time I
need to seal an envelope!

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason. Because of your concern, I no
longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains!

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since
the people who make these products are
atheists who won’t put “Under G~d” on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on
a hot day!

I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send
packages by, UPS or FedEx, since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because
someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their “chickens”
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that
will change once I receive my free replacement
pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their
recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because
at last count I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me!

Thanks to you, I have learned that G~d only
answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave
it to a sick girl who is about to die in the
hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all – but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking
out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon
with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I
know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of mine’s next door
neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
husband’s cousin’s beautician!!!

Juvenile Philosophy

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
Michael, Age 14

Joke of the Day – English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Stupid q’s with smart answers.

Funny Jokes – Stupid q’s with smart answers.

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick .

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the
mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us
light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
affairs.

Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot!”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.

Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance
repeated” .

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what
virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people
die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others
all died”.

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Three Canadian Blondes

Funny Jokes – Three Canadian Blondes…..

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before
St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom,
they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde
said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished
her to Hell.

The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth
and exchange gifts.” St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her
to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter
said, “So, tell me.” She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and
the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very
large boulder … ” St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.” Then the
blonde continued, “Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks
of hockey.”

St. Peter fainted.

Mental Health

Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by
reminding at least one unstable person.

Well, my job’s done!

Funny Jokes – Wage and Hour Department

Funny Jokes – Wage and Hour Department

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour
Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,”
demanded the agent.

“Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I
pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here
for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes
$10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco,” replied the farmer.

“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” says the agent.

The farmer says, “That would be me.”

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – The Housekeeper

A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.

“Hello,” says the man answering it.

“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the
housekeeper.”

“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”

“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”

“What sort of a problem?”

“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out.”

“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
it.”

“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”

“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
it?”

“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”

“And how did you lock it?”

“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.

“Good! And where did you put the key?”

“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
china.”

“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.

“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised.”

“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
great housekeeper.”

“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”

“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – Creating JOBS

Funny Jokes – Creating JOBS

Two older gents working as waiters were talking:

“You’ve got to give the President credit for creating all of these new
jobs.”

“Yes, I know, I have three of them.”

Joke of the Day – The Nature of Proof – GETTING A LIBRARY CARD

GETTING A LIBRARY CARD

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down
at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man
in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he
asked the man.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the
little man.

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well, I was at the library, I found the books I wanted and got in
line to check them out. When I got to the front of the line, they
told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I
went to the registration office and got in another line to get the
proper forms. I filled out the forms for another card and got back
into a third line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“When he asked, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ … I
stabbed him.”

Funny Jokes – Technology

Funny Jokes – Technology At The Supermarket

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and
the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and inhale the scent of
fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with
the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle : (

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes – And God Created Dog and Cat

Funny Jokes – And God Created Dog and Cat

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to
‘Where do pets come from?’

Adam said, ‘Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every
day.
Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me
to remember how much you love me.’

And God said ‘No problem. I will create a companion for you that
will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so
that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you
as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be
with Adam
and it wagged its tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘No problem. Because I have created this new animal to
be a
reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my
own name,
and you will call him Dog.’

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to
the Lord
and said, ‘Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and
preens
like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed
taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.’

And the Lord said, ‘No problem. I will create for him a companion
who will
be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy
of
adoration.’

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the
Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was
happy.

And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.

Blonde Jokes – Funny Blonde Jokes – Funny Jokes

She was Soo Blonde.

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she
wrote “Sagittarius.”

Daily Joke – Funny Jokes – Gender

What Gender Is It?

If you’re like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.

For example:

Ziploc Bags — Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier — Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed. But can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire — Male, because it goes bald and often it’s over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon — Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.

Sponges — Female, because they’re soft and squeezable and retain water.

Joke of the day – Remembering Dad

Remembering Dad

When I was:

Four years old: My daddy can do anything.

Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.

Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.

Eight years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.

Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.

Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know
anything about that. He is too old to remember his
childhood.

Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad. He is
so old-fashioned.

Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out of
date.

Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.

Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks.
After all, he’s had a lot of experience.

Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I
talk to Dad.

Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He
was so wise.

Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I
could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate
how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

Funny Jokes – Postal Service

The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.

That shows you how strange life is for racehorses.

You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp.

Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

Funny Jokes – Drives Women Wild

Q. What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild

A. Money.

Funny Jokes – Spirited KITTY

Funny Jokes – Spirited KITTY

A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe’s bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.

One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Gabe
slammed the door, severing the cat’s tail at its base.

This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired
on the spot.

Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.

The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.

Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat
mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the
tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete.

Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: “I can’t. You know the law:I
can’t retail spirits after 2:00 AM.”

Funny Jokes – The Mommy Test

Funny Jokes – The Mommy Test…..

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

“Why?

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has
germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and
asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “…everyone knows this stuff. Um,
it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you
be a Mommy.”

“Oh.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.

“I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the
Daddy.”

Funny Jokes – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a
study of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 3,879 responses one hour after
the ad came out.

All from the same person.

2 Little Boys

Two boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is
God?!”
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this
time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!”