E-Mail Forwards

If nothing else, EVERYONE please read the first one. As we move rapidly into a new year, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards”
over the last 12 months. Thank you for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

~~*Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open
15 times to get to the message (due to going
past numerous Email addresses of people
I don’t know!!!)

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat crap in the glue on envelopes ’cause
I now have to go get a wet towel every time I
need to seal an envelope!

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason. Because of your concern, I no
longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains!

I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since
the people who make these products are
atheists who won’t put “Under G~d” on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on
a hot day!

I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone might drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send
packages by, UPS or FedEx, since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because
someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their “chickens”
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that
will change once I receive my free replacement
pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their
recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because
at last count I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me!

Thanks to you, I have learned that G~d only
answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave
it to a sick girl who is about to die in the
hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all – but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking
out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon
with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I
know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of mine’s next door
neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
husband’s cousin’s beautician!!!